(NOTE: This is as much a confession as a testimony. The original author has been far more wicked and sinful than his friends and family will ever know.)
"I cannot remember a time I didn't go to church. I was baptized in the Methodist church when I was an infant, I was raised in a Lutheran home, and I attended school at a Presbyterian elementary school. I memorized every Bible verse I was given, and I loved to talk about what the Bible had to say.
"That all changed when I entered middle school. Those who knew me during my childhood know that I was rebellious and angry much of the time, but this only increased as I entered my teens. I took martial arts and played football. I played increasingly violent video games. Nothing reduced my irritation one bit. One day it dawned on me that I was really angry with reality. As an avid reader, I could quote stories of children going off to accomplish great things, often without any real training or natural talent, but I was stuck. I wanted to be more, to be better, to be the greatest.
"That's when I began to read Harry Potter and my Dungeons and Dragons books with greater interest. The more I read, the more I desired the world of magic and power, the dominance that comes from mystical control. I wished to be like the Most High.
"It started simply. Browsing through the library I chanced upon a book on Wiccan magick. This seemed to be the best avenue to that power I sought. So, knowing that I could never check this book out from the library, I stole it and hid it in my room.
"I practiced the rituals in secret during the weekends and at night, long after my parents had gone to bed. I was thrilled and enthralled by the sensations that flooded into me as I performed the most basic conjuring rituals (for conjuring it was). I dreamed dreams, cast runes, prepared poppets, lit incense. But soon it was not enough.
"Though I knew there was a little power in what I did, I could never be entirely sure of what I saw. Several of the spells that seemed to work best could have easily been coincidence, and none of it approached the powers I wished to have over all things. I grew increasingly irritable and moody, writing dark poems and chants that served only to ease my torment for a short while. It was in this state that I discovered the works of Aleister Crowley and the grimoires known as the Keys of Solomon.
"As a side note, during this time I grew increasingly sinful in all ways. I increasingly inflicted harm on myself (when I couldn't get my abusive girlfriend to do it for me), and I discovered those perversions that congregate on the internet. I grew physically more violent, at one point choking someone who slighted me. If I could have found drugs, I know I would gladly have partaken in those as well. Suffice it to say, I was increasing daily in sin.
"After only a cursory reading of the vile texts I acquired, I began to openly seek a demonic entity to guide and empower me. I offered my blood to the first entity that responded (given from a shallowly slit wrist) and promised him access to my flesh if I could share in his powers. With the aid of this and other spirits, I cast spells not found in my books or on the internet, for by my sacrifice of flesh and indulgence in vileness that I would never speak aloud I was given the desires of my heart.
"This is the state, more or less, in which I entered high school. Many things happened that I am still loathe to recall, but I found myself in home school for a semester. One night in October (if memory serves), I sat down to conjure a spirit to teach me and take me on an astral journey (which I do not believe I have ever suffered, thanks be to God). For some reason unknown to me, I decided to conjure an angel, and naturally I gravitated toward Gabriel.
I prepared my ritual in my customary way, then I sat down and cast my protections, with one addition: I invoked the name of the Most High, who to some sects of the craft is known as "He who must not be named". Immediately, I fell to the ground on my face and was unable to move, for the LORD spoke to me. I was filled with bitterness and gnashed my teeth as my sins of the past few years were laid out before me by God, the shadow of whose passing causes the earth to shake and the mountains to tremble. For the space of over an hour I was rebuked by the Scripture, as His words came to me by the Holy Spirit, teaching me all that I had done and how expressly it was forbidden. In my agony, I cried out to Jesus for forgiveness, that he should spare me the wrath that I now feared above all things in heaven and on earth.
"Then came the peace that passes all understanding, as the mightily incensed God granted me mercy, forgiving all my sins and granting to me anew the Holy Spirit, that comforter and counselor promised by Christ to his children. That day many spirits were driven from me, I am assured, for since that day I have never once been so tormented as I was before.
"Thanks be to the LORD God of Israel, and to our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the Holy Spirit that he should deliver a wretch such as myself. Blessed be the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, who is even now my High Priest and my mediator before the Father."
- Robert Beisert, on this day, at this time
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